The good thing is – I’ve been able to focus on me.  Which I realized was the right thing to do. I spent 2011 working on cleaning out my life. Not the bad necessarily, but working on the things that no longer “worked for me.” I’m a different person than I was a year, two years, five years ago. I’ve changed in my 30s and realized new things about me and I’m comfortable with who I am. Finally!

I don’t make resolutions every year – I just try and better myself. Which is what I’ve been doing the past couple of weeks – cleaning out my closets, hanging out with my girls, planning my trips this year, and working on just being happy even if I’m alone on my couch watching bad TV.

Do you make resolutions? Are you comfortable with who you are? I hope so – because we all need to be comfortable and happy in our skin.

And yes, I do believe that if I’m super comfortable with me, the rest will fall into place.  2012 will be my year!

So as this unfolds, I am no longer going to overanalyze the situation. I am not going to try and force fit anything. I am just going to let it be. We talked about getting together once he’s settled into his new place in a few weeks. I told him I would take him on a tour of Beantown and that he would have to plan the evening after that. To which he said, he’s looking forward to making it a fun date night.

Let’s hope this time he makes good on that promise.

OK, friends, I have a little story to share. One I’m not happy about and one I’m working through. About a month ago, I met someone online. He’s not from here, but is moving here for his job and will be in the same city as me in less than a month. For the past three or four weeks, we’ve emailed, we’ve talked, we texted. We got to know one another pretty damn well. And when he found out when he was coming up here to apartment-hunt, he made it known he wanted to see me.  Take me out, have dinner and drinks.

Well, that week is this week. As of this weekend, we had planned to meet on Wednesday night (last night) - place TBD once he figured out his hotel situation.  Calm down - it was so we could pick a spot close to his hotel so he could get there easily by public transport. Last time we spoke was way into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  And then we texted later that afternoon.

That was when I last heard from him.We didn’t argue, we didn’t have a disagreement – it was just the last time I heard from him. His flight was due in two nights ago and I texted him welcoming him here.  No response.

My heart sunk. And I cried myself to sleep, with Bella beside me. And I prayed that if I didn’t hear from him, that I’d gain strength to move on, quickly. May sound dramatic when you think I  never met the guy in person. But we clicked and for some reason I felt a great connection/pull towards him.  And he did too – he verbalized it more than me.

I woke up that next morning – hopeful I missed a text or a call in the middle of the night. And when I didn’t, when I realized he didn’t even have the decency to text back a simple “thanks”, I realized I never would hear from him again.

My friends, although they think I am right to move on, think I should still be hopeful. One said its not black and white. If I do hear from him, I should meet up with him and see where it goes.  Maybe he is overwhelmed with the move (I would be), maybe he met someone else, but in the end, he owes nothing to me.  At most, maybe some courtesy to tell me after these weeks of him saying how much he wanted to see me, that he no longer did. But that is still a gray area. Maybe I will hear from him while he’s in town later this week. Maybe I’ll hear from him again when he moves here permanently.  Like my friend said, its not black and white.

As I look out at the grayness outside my window, I realize she’s right. There is no black and white with dating – there are all shades of gray. Who knows what happened? What he got involved in this week? Maybe he got spooked? Maybe he found someone else? Unless I talk with him, I’ll never know.

And while my peeps think that there is hope and I’ll hear from him soon, I have to trust my gut even when it hurts and realize, sometimes these questions may be left unanswered and will forever lie around in several shades of gray.

Random question, I know. But is it? Here’s why I ask. I went out with someone I met on eHarmony last night. He was someone I’ve been chatting and texting with from some time.  And last night, I was work a bit later than usual and he texted me.  After some back and forth, we decided to meet at a popular restaurant in a town close to both of us. I was looking forward to meeting him, even on short notice, because online, he seemed to be a good guy.  Cute, talkative/inquisitive, active, good head on shoulders.

But online profiles can be deceiving.  Yes, he was cute, yes he was talkative when prompted, and yes he was definitely active. However, it suddenly appeared to me why, during our previous correspondence, he avoided any work discussions. Basically, he had a really great job at a major computer company, but about a year ago decided to branch off on his own.  Good right? Yes, but he also said since he did that 10 months ago, he’s spent the last eight months on vacation. A little Peter Pan syndrome in not wanting to grow up – fine, I get it. Enjoy it if you can.

But the bigger thing that I noticed – and it may seem nitpicky, but go with me on it – is that he definitely was not as tall as he claimed he was on his online profile. And I have to ask “why is that?” Why lie about your height to a prospective girlfriend, when clearly it will come out. It makes me wonder, if you can lie about height and you can avoid your work discussion, what else are you hiding?  What else are you holding back on? For me, the date left me with more questions than answers.

Like I said, the superficial stuff may seem petty, but I do think it could lend itself to a larger issue in the end. We should all be proud of ourselves and our accomplishments and who we are.  Why mask it with even a little deceit on an online profile? It just makes me a bit leary about others who may be doing all the same.

The outcome of the night? Well, we ended on a positive note, a hug goodbye, and that was it. I don’t think I’ll hear from him again, but that’s fine.  That’s what dating is all about – meeting new people and having the faith that one day,  you’ll meet one of your soulmates.

I believe it will happen for me. And one day soon, maybe I’ll have some new updates for you on it.

Penned last week by Sara Eckel, the article focused on a dilemma she faced when first dating her now husband. The dilemma started when he asked her long it had been since her last relationship.  The horror of a question when you start counting the length in months and years.   Like many women who faced weeks,  months, or even years without a serious commitment, this can be viewed by some as a downfall or a black mark on you.  A big old “A” on your chest, except instead of A for adulter, it could be “L” for long time since boyfriend.

Like Sara, I’ve spent some many hours pondering what is wrong with me, analyzing the length of my hair, buying candles, filling my calendar with events to fulfill me, and bitching to my girlfriends about not having a relationship. I’ve spent countless hours working on ways to improve and educate myself (though I hope that even when I find my match, I’ll continue to do so). And like her, I agree, not many married women would want to trade places with me being a single gal with a ton of freedom and a calendar waiting to be filled. But you know, that’s OK.  Right now, this is my life and I should embrace the opportunities ahead of me.

As I read her article, so much resonated with me. I could relate to so many things she said or felt.  And I have to admit, as I looked back at my own reinvention, I realized that most times I am OK with my life and I’m just looking for someone who wants me for me. Good, bad, ugly, bitchy, and annoying me.  Not the me I feel I should become.

Hopefully my path takes me in a similar direction as Sara’s.  I want to find someone who doesn’t look at me as a problem to solve or a puzzle to put together.  But someone who looks at the men who could easily cast me aside as “idiots” and that he’s the lucky that found me. Rants, raves, and all.

Now, if only that could happen sooner rather than later!

So, I apologize for any annoying or negative posts of recent. I can’t promise that I’ll stop that tone fully,(I mean, really, do yo know how I am?!) but I can promise that I will try and turn this back to where I bring up issues that I think effect all of us daters out there, and open it up to more discussions versus rants.

With that long intro, let’s get into today’s subject. I recently started chatting with two guys and both asked me for my phone number.  I was interested in both and thought “why not?” Can it hurt? Nope.

Let’s talk about the first guy, the “nice guy.”  The one who read my profile and asked questions about me based on it.  Very nice. Asked if I wanted to meet for drinks the following week. I said sure and here’s my number.  Well he called me.  Three days later and it was late on a Sunday night, so I didn’t pick up (I also happened to be in a heated debate with a family member at the time.) So I called him the next day – within 24 hours and left a nice voicemail. B/c my friend and I already dubbed him the “nice guy”, I decided to text him a couple of hours later.  And then it began. Tons of texting back and forth.  When I finally said, “let’s talk tomorrow” – and he agreed.

What did he then do the next day? Texted.  And after some back and forth, I just wrote, “call me when you have a moment and we can figure out drinks this week.”  This was on a Tuesday. He called. But said he was booked up for the rest of the week (ummm, remember, you asked me out first), but that he would call or text to figure something out for the next week.

Fast forward five more days and I get a text. That’s it… If you can’t ask me out like a gentleman AND you wait five days to contace me when you didn’t follow through the first time, apparently dating isn’t a high priority for you. And that’s fine. But it’s not for me. I’m putting myself out there- and I want someone to do the same for me. Done and done.

Let’s go to the next guy, the one we rightfully or wrongfully dubbed “the player” – which came about because of what he wrote in his profile and the pictures he posted.  Fine, we (I) judged.  It’s OK, you can judge me for me judging.  I’ve dealt with worse.

But back to the player.  The one who ONLY texts. The one who says he’ll call and what does he do? Yup. Texts.  Last week, after he told me he’d call, he waited two days to contact me again and sent me a smiley face.  I talked to a few of my friends about the situation and they all came up with the same question I had: “How the hell do you respond to a smiley face?” The answer? You don’t. I ignored. Again, he texted me this week.  This time, asking me how my week was going.

When my friend and I chatted about she responded with the following – I kid you not:

“texting is like the new “marking terrotory” thing.  like they have to pee all over the place”

And you know what? She’s right. I bet I’m not the only one he’s been texting this to, and I wonder what kind of response, if any, he’s expecting from me. Why now?  How many other women is he marking his territory with? Is it even worth responding? I don’t know.

Now before you think I’m so frigid person stuck in the dark ages, let me explain. I think technology is  great – I have multiple computers, smartphone, etc. And texting does have its place.  It does make sense to communicate with folks this way - once you have a set relationship in place.  My perference is to send a quick one letting a friend know I’m thinking of them, running late for drinks, or to try and set up a phone date.  Maybe I am old fashioned a bit when it comes to dating, but I do feel I should be asked out like how my dad asked my mom out – via phone.  Though in this decade, it can be on my smartphone.

Am I overexaggerating? Being a little too cocky?

No, they’ve told me. And they remind me of such when I’m not my usual self (and yes, that happened a couple of times last night).  Why am I sad? Well, let’s discuss….

• I’m sad over 9/11. I know, I know. Everyone is.  It’s so much more than just a blemish on our history. It’s a big, black, thunderstorm that likes to rain on our parade every year. While I KNOW others went through a helluva lot more than me, my sign is Cancer (aka very sensitive) and everything bothers me a little more than I should. Plus my mind is a steel trap and I remember everything from that time period. I remember where I was sitting when we first head the news.  I remember running to the TV in my office. I remember calling my mom. Trying to find my friend who was in the second tower that was struck. I remember calling our other friend, frantic, panicking, trying to find her. We found her. Safe and sound. Well not sound, but at least safe and now she has a beautful family far away from NYC.  I remember going down to the Pentagon about a week later to work. I remember seeing that big, black, gaping hole.  That one thing that reminded me, “yes, this happened. Yes, you witnessed history. Yes, this may be your generation’s JFK moment”, but you need to become stronger from it.
• I’m sad because I miss my mother more during these times. More than I do on a daily basis. More than I can express. I cry every day I think of her this much and it hurts. It hurts me to the core and I just sit here and cry.
• I’m sad because this year hasn’t been everything I hoped it would turn into. I had so many dreams and ambitions and projects I was working on. And for some reason or another, I lost the drive. I lost the will to move forward. I’ve tried and tried and for some reason I lost the young enthusiasm I once had.  And it makes me feel old. And I know I’m not old, I have so many years ahead of me. But when I can’t keep up with myself, I feel that way.
• I’m sad because although I’m happy with my job and appreciate the friends that have stuck by me. And those who have either come in or re-entered my life. But I’m missing that one last piece. That one little piece of my life that hasn’t fallen into place yet. I’m happy for everyone who has found that person, but I have to ask “when will it be my turn?” I’ve meet a ton of guys and for one reason or another, it doesn’t fall into place.  I don’t fall into his life and vice versa. I try to stay positive, but sometimes, with all this extra weight on my shoulders, it’s tough. And the latest guys have fallen short. Very, very short of any expectations I had. Which were little.

Well, enough of this pity party. If you have any ideas on how to cheer me up, I’m ALLLLL ears.  PLEASE SHARE!