I Made a Rookie Mistake

22 Jan

Yes, I said I would never talk about work, but I think I need to.  I made a rookie mistake at work today. ROOKIE.  I didn’t trust my gut.  And it isn’t all my fault and I know it isn’t the end of the world, but I still can’t help to obsess over it. I need to get over it.  I know.  But when this mistake gets my boss so mad PLUS I’m more upset with myself with how I handled a situation, that is when I know I did something wrong.

I spoke with her on the way home – she’s over it…I think. But I’m not.  I hope after two or three or four glasses of wine tonight, I’ll feel better.

So why am I saying all of this? Well I had a good, long conversation with my therapist on the way home as well. AKA my best friend.  We both realized that I am taking this much too much to heart. And it is mostly b/c I have other things I need to deal with.

And then it hit her (and me) when I said the following: “well, if I knew I was going home to someone or going out with someone to take my mind off of it, I’d be OK. I’d stop obsessing over stupid mistakes. But really, when I’m upset, I go home. To myself and to my cat. No man, no family. It is just me.”

Now, I also reminded her, this isn’t about me finding a man. I’m looking to find where I’m supposed to be, where I fit in, and where I’ll be the happiest.

She reminded me that in order for me to be happy, I need to do it myself. I can only welcome happiness into my life when I am happy with me.  And in recent years, I realized it takes more than just a job to be happy. It takes family. And just as important, you need to feel comfortable in your own skin.  You need to feel like you fit.

Right now, I just don’t know if I fit.  In my job. In Boston. And that’s scary, b/c this is the life I carved out for me. The one I thought I wanted.

But that is the beauty of life.  Until I find where I am supposed to be, I can move, travel, figure things out.  And maybe along the way, I’ll not only find a man, but more importantly, I”ll find me again.

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4 Responses to “I Made a Rookie Mistake”

  1. jolene1079 January 23, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

    Really great post tonight friend – I think it shows a lot of growth that you are evaluating everything in your life and figuring out where you fit, and finding yourself again. I’m in full support and am along for the ride – and all the fun with it! XOXO 🙂

  2. Dee February 11, 2010 at 3:45 pm #

    Just ready this. I love you, Mel! I agree with Jolene – I’m so glad you’re finding out what makes YOU truly happy. You deserve all the happiness in the world. It will come for you, don’t worry 🙂

  3. itneverrainsinseattle February 17, 2010 at 10:34 am #

    Yes, we need to find ways to be happy with ourselves. Yes, only we can make ourselves happy, and we should not abdicate responsibility for our happiness to other people. Yes, yes, yes.

    But.

    There is nothing wrong with longing to share our joys with someone else. To share our pain with someone else. There’s nothing wrong with being wistful for the days when we have a partner to hold hands with, to talk with, to laugh with, to cry with, to fuck like rabbits with.

    Your post here resonates strongly with me. (Geez. I’m writing like George Lucas. “The Force is strong with this one.” Bleh.) Yes, there’s a great big opportunity to get a better handle on who you are when you are on your own. And you can travel or try new things and not have to answer to someone else. Very liberating.

    But, I don’t know… I’m feeling a little defensive, I guess, because I know that the joys are magnified when they are shared, and the burdens are lighter when they are shared. And everyone around me says that it’s more healthy to find your happiness from within yourself. Sure. But, is it so wrong to recognize that life can be all that much more enjoyable when you have a good partner by your side?

    I don’t think that’s so wrong.

    Like you, I look forward to building a better me. But I also look forward to having that special someone at home to look forward to. To help me to put the bad stuff in perspective.

    Here’s to better days ahead for us all, Mel.

    • Mel February 17, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

      Cheers INRIS!!

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