Selfish Behavior

4 Mar

When does preoccupation turn into selfish behavior?

I struggle with this concept – because I understand that everyone has their own priorities, own lives, own goals to pursue. And sometimes when you’re preoccupied with something in your life, it can consume you and sometimes you forget that there are other people in your life who need some of your time and energy.

But when does a person cross the line? To the point where it’s hurtful (or at the very least annoying for the other party)?

Here’s where I’m coming from….Thursday Night Date Boy (TNDB) texted me last night.  He let me know he got into his hotel safely and wanted to say HI. I thought it was very sweet.  However, as the texts continued (and yes, I hate that he only texts and rarely calls – drives me bonkers, but that is post for another day), I realized the conversation focused only on HIM. I asked how his week was, how work was going, how his most recent MBA paper was taking shape, what his plans were for the weekend.

Not once did he pose the question “How are you?” or “How has your week been going?” And there was definitely never a “Do you want to hang out this weekend?”

In fact it was quite the opposite.  He already has plans, which I didn’t expect to be included in. But he was so matter of fact about what he was doing and never asked me anything about my weekend, that I realized maybe he just doesn’t care.  I could be jumping to conclusions, but this is what his behavior shows.

I understand he is preoccupied with work and school (lots of travel) and has a lot on his mind, but last week he didn’t want to be away from me, missed me when I had brunch plans, and wanted to see me at all times.  Now – complete turnaround. He could care less.

I can accept being in a casual relationship – that’s how I prefer to start things. But I don’t like how he went from fifth gear to a dead stop in less than a week. It doesn’t make sense.  And quite frankly, it hurts he downshifted so quickly.

BFF captured it correctly when she said it’s just “selfish behavior.” It is – you can’t give mixed messages like that to a person and expect them to accept it, just because it’s how you now view things.  Conversations need to be had. I can take having a difficult conversation if it entails him telling me “Hey, I thought I liked you, but I don’t” or “I think we went too fast, is it OK if we take it slower moving forward?”

I understand I’m not a high priority and we need to get to know one another better before I can expect much from him. But to act this way – even during a busy week – is selfish behavior.


5 Responses to “Selfish Behavior”

  1. BigLittleWolf March 4, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    Hi Mel. And thanks for coming by my place! Here’s my two cents, from the perspective of a “global” dater.

    (a) He’s already met someone else
    (b) The proverbial “just not that into you”
    (c) Selfish (as stated above)
    (d) Man Weird
    (e) No way to ever really know
    (f) All of the above

    You have to give it to men for consistency. They are as hard to figure out at 20 as they are at 30 and 40 and 50. And I imagine they think exactly the same thing about women.

    I hope you have some other irons in the fire, because MBA and work or not, if he really wanted to stay in touch, he would. So at best, things moved a bit fast, he doesn’t know what he feels, isn’t worried about it, and yes, he’s selfish.

    At worst, you’ve invested a short amount of time, enjoyed some high quality lip lock, and yes, he’s selfish.

    The bad news: it will never get easier figuring men out.
    The good news: our BFFs are always there for us.
    More good news: there really are some great men out there, but there’s no knowing when, where, or how.

    Okay, it was more than two cents worth.

    • Mel March 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm #

      You captured this perfectly. I guess I do have to give it to them for consistency. It can be their ONE redeeming quality. Or at least a quality 🙂

      You brought up a great point that I wanted to touch upon – they may think we’re hard to figure out as well. I just wish there was some way we could translate what they say and what they feel. It would make life so much easier. I know what the men out there are thinking. Men are easy and they always say what they feel/mean. But there is that “Man Weird” that women will never figure out.

      I’d like to think there a good men out there – I have awesome guy friends that I think they are phenomenal, but too bad they’re already taken…by fantastic women!!

      And for the record – I will always take your two cents!!!!

  2. blog searcher March 5, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    I don’t think that he is selfish at all. School and travelling for work can really take the starch out of one’s collar. People have moods and you got to be able to roll with the punches or you might push everyone of value away.

    • Mel March 5, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

      That is a good point. And I know people have moods and like I said, varying priorities.

      I just wish he didn’t completely change his attitude in such a short period of time without telling me what is going on. All I ask for is a little bit of communication. That’s not too much to ask, is it? 😉

      Thanks for reading and commenting!!


  1. Dating is Easy, Relationships Take Effort « This is Why I Date - March 10, 2010

    […] life and take their feelings into consideration and god forbid – make plans with them (READ: NOT SELFISH!) Maybe I am not jaded or cautiously experienced or even the perpetual bachelorette that I claimed I […]

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