To Experiment or Be Mature?

28 Apr

I’m a serial dater. I admit it.  That’s the first step in a 12-step program, right?  But I’ve expressed in the past that I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. Similar to BSF, I agree that each person has taught me more about what I want and expect in a relationship.

So I am a bit baffled by S.

He is very much like almost every man I have dated. Yet, completely different at the same time.

Like most men I’ve dated, things tend to focus on him and what he wants.  Sports is huge for both of us, but it tends to dominate his life. He is very much into his own life/friends and it may be hard to get him out of his 37-year “rut” (for lack of a better term.)

How is he different? Unlike most men I’ve dated, he remembers little things. Like the time I left my lunch at his place by accident and he took time out of his day to bring it to my office. Like the fact I missed my favorite TV show to spend last night watching the Heat/Celtics playoff (he said he felt awful.) Like he owes me a dinner, without sports, that he is going to cook himself. Like all the little things I mention about Bella or my upcoming weekend outings. He remembers it all. (And yes, I realize I started most of these sentences with the word ‘like’ and I sound like a huge Valley Girl.)

So that is why I am baffled.  He is unlike any other “relationship” I have ever had.  And I don’t quite know how to approach him.

Part of me wants to keep up with my Zen-like approach and as Single Girl Blogging commented, try to keep the non-attachment mindset with all life activities. Part of me wants to experiment to see if I can keep this “men’s attitude” and just go with the flow and not care (or worry) if he’s going to call or when he’s going to call or when we’re going to hang out. Just have fun. Until we both realize we should end it.

The other part – the mature, nearly 32-year old – says nip it in the bud now. It’s hard – for me – to separate sex and love and relationships. And as much as I can say I can be Zen about this and not care, inevitably I will start to care. Maybe not now, but eventually.  Speaking from past experiences, he will soon mean more to me than I ever will for him. And it will end.  He will be fine, and I will be upset.

Unless of course he does turn out to be the “one” and changes his lifestyle to be with me. But c’mon – we all know how rare that is and a woman cannot change a man. He is who he is and I am, who I am.  Maybe we’re meant to be and we’ll figure out how to mesh our lives together.  Maybe we won’t.

But in the meantime, I’m not sure what to do. Be honest and tell him how I’m feeling and see if he’s willing to talk things out with me. Or experiment, have fun, and just let it eventually fade.  Maybe I am being pessimistic or maybe I’m just being realistic. Not sure.  Like I said, baffled.


8 Responses to “To Experiment or Be Mature?”

  1. thecatsman April 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    Why is it that it always seems a man must change his lifestyle or even himself to please a woman enough for her to consider him as a potential long term partner.I honestly do not understand why in todays American socuety the onus for PROVING in a potential relationship is STILL laid solely at the foot of the man.This just recently happened ot me yet again and I got bashed,so to speak,for not reaching out in more tangible ways when it would have been just as easy if not easier for the gal in the situation to do what she was upset that I could/did not…….Loved the blog and your style of expression and don’t mind me to much it’s a curious question that seems has no decent answer.

    • Mel April 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm #

      Hey Catsman – thanks for reading and I appreciate your comment. I look forward to reading your blog too! It’s hard to express what I’m feeling about him – hence the whole baffled comment. I think in any relationship there is a give-and-take and both people in said relationship need to make concessions and alter parts of their life to let the other one in. I don’t know if “proving” is the right word, just making this new person a priority at times and participating in that give-and-take is key. You hit the nail on the head though when you wrote there is “no decent answer.” Sigh…it’s all part of the journey I guess.

  2. jolene1079 April 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    You know how I feel about this – my two cents is that you nip it in the bud and move on…what you have learned from this is that you deserve the little things, yes, but you deserve even MORE than that. You aren’t a priority for him, in my opinion, and for it to shift into something longer-term, you need to be (and vice versa).

    • Mel April 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

      I know I know – but as we discussed IRL, even the little things are new to me. And it should be part of his daily “routine” with me – and I should receive the little things from any man I date. But I’m not used to it. I guess that speaks to the caliber of men I have dated. XO

  3. Kristen April 28, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    Honesty on the table… goes…..He’s just not that into you. Cliché I know.

    and that’s ok!!!

    Move on to someone who is in fact very into you….you deserve it!!!! Read what you have wrote back to yourself and out loud….”He owes me a dinner sans sports….” “I missed my favorite show for him…..” if he wanted something more, he would want to do those kinds of things for you each and every single day….he would….so instead, move on, so if you have fun with the next guy and he isn’t “the one” – big fricking deal….Dating is learning….a date is like being in a lecture class, you sit, you observe, you listen, you process, you think, you leave, you begin to analyze….did I like that topic? Does it interest me? Will I be eager to return and listen to more???

    We women torture ourselves because even if we know WE HATED the lecture…we had zero interest in it, we try to convince ourselves that well maybe the next lecture won’t be so boring, so mundane, so blah…..and maybe the next one will excite me and it could be “the lecture” that makes me fall so deeply in love with this topic that I run off with it and focus my entire thesis on it……YEAH, wake up now!!!

    Ok, so I’ve gone a little bit further in this reply than I wanted to, but I’m trying to make a point….

    You are a smart, sophisticated, beautiful woman with so many qualities a guy could just love…..time to put yourself first and find the right guy….or eh right lecture….

    Peace and love……

    • Mel April 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm #

      OMG – I totally love you for this comment. I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jo – I totally agree with all of your points. I am so not even going to try and argue it because I know you’re right. Not deep down, but on the surface – I know you’re right. This year has been all about making myself happy and doing what I want to do and I refuse to let anyone deter me from that goal. It has been working for me so far after all.

      Thank you for taking the metaphor a bit further than what you wanted to. It hit. I get it. I wish I had more to say, but still processing it all.
      I miss you more than I can say – I feel it has been forever since I saw you! XOXO

  4. Kristen April 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    Miss you TOO!!!! I’m glad the metaphor hit, I really do and I’m so glad this year has been all about making yourself happy — carry that torch girl….keep it up!!!

  5. jsutera654 April 28, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I 100% totally and utterly agree with Jo and Kristen on this one, shocker I know. But seriously, Mel – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you deserve BETTER. Hell, you deserve the BEST. Quit trying to lower that bar to make this guy “meet” it because, from the outside looking in, he’s not reaching or exceeding that bar, he’s barely brushing it. And, I’m sorry – but you owe it to yourself to seek out the best. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing whatsoever. My two, or three, or four cents, take it or leave it. xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: