Men Are Like Snowflakes – No Two Are Alike

11 May

I’m not one to simmer over a man for too long.  But it does take me a few days to get over someone – even if I initiated the break up. Sometimes, it is harder to be the one to break things off, than to be on the receiving end of it all. As I looked back over the past few weeks with S – I had a lot of fun, but I also know that some of the things that irked me about him would never change. I’m happy I realized early on that this wasn’t the right relationship for me.  But I still can’t get passed his last comment to me: I want to finish this convo, but I won’t be able to call you back until later tonight.  Which I understood – it was Mother’s Day and he had other plans. I understood he wanted to have more of a conversation and to have it later. What I DON’T understand is why nearly two days after this conversation, when I even outreached to him that night, has he not made good on this declaration?

It’s fine – I know it’s over. And I guess in S’s mind, it is too, so why even bother calling?  Why be a decent guy and make good on that conversation HE wanted to have? I don’t know – I guess I never will. So I’m not shocked by his actions/inactions – just bummed by them.

Over the course of the past few days, I’ve had the opportunity to re-evaluate the men in my life. Which leads to one overarching question; WHY DO I DATE THE SAME MAN OVER AND OVER AGAIN?

I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t have a particular type anymore. I date different men from different age brackets, backgrounds, and career paths. I even date men I meet both on and off-line. Tall, shorter, blonde, dark hair, goatee, clean shaven.  Anywhere from 27 – 37. Men who were born in other countries to men who never left Massachusetts.  Some have college degrees, some have Masters, some don’t have either. So long story – short, I’ve dated the gamut when it comes to men – and they’re like snowflakes. No two are alike.

So how come they all seem to have some of the same commonalities. They are all excited about me in the beginning – want to see me all the time. Chase me. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to sound like I’m some outrageously hot chick – but for some reason, this is a pattern.) We go out, do things, we sometimes integrate friends.  And then one day – usually two or three months in, they just….stop. They stop calling every day, texting or messaging multiple times/day, stop making plans for the weekend. They all do it. And almost always, there is some “declaration” they made to me that never make good on. In S’s case, it was finishing this conversation; in SB’s case, it was to remain friends.  Neither one have made good on these.

So I have these two remaining questions.  One: why, if I date all types of men, do they all behave the same way? (And perhaps the follow-up question to that is: can I change it?) And two: why make statements that you want to be friends or communicate, if you really don’t? Why not just end it and say what it is?  You can’t be THAT cowardly….can you?

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24 Responses to “Men Are Like Snowflakes – No Two Are Alike”

  1. Lily May 11, 2010 at 12:51 pm #

    Your Question about why all guys you date are alike, and please actually try to understand this: because. of. you.

    They are not all alike, they do happen to all be men. All men get bored after a while and it is your job as the woman to keep them interested. Texting every day and all that crap isn’t because they like to- it is because they want to keep you interested and they know this is the bait. Your bait, my misguided friend, is to pretend to not care when they text, stop texting, want to go out with their friends, etc.

    Your problem is that when they start to get a little bored, which they all will, you get irritated, and start confessing how how upset it makes you. STOP!!! You need to let yourself be chased b/c guys like sports and competition and they like a good chase scene, so get into it.

    This may sound sexist and cliche; you may say that you do not like playing games- you ought to start b/c if you don’t learn how to play, you will be dating Ben & Jerry while these guys have moved on to fun girls who don’t text, nag, or wait around for them.

    So to answer your second question: you can not change any man no matter what your dumb friends tell you, you can only change yourself. I am being honest with you because, becth, you need to hear it BAD!!!!

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

      Wow, I’m really not sure where to begin. Let me start with – I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my blog. I do like when people have (different) opinions on what I wrote. That is the point, after all. And I do not expect all people to agree with me – again that is the point. To debate, to discuss, to have a dialogue.

      I agree with some of your points. Some. One – was the ending to this relationship due in part to me and my reactions? Yes. Absolutely. I never denied that. Two – do men get bored and maybe I fell for some bait. Again, that is a big possibility. I am no expert, nor do I claim to be, hence why I pose questions here. Three – the playing games aspect – I do believe is somewhat true. You are not the first person to claim this is part of dating. I don’t agree with it and wish it was different. Four – Do I need to change and evolve? YES. But we all do – IT IS PART OF LIFE. Can I change someone? No. I posed that question as a hypothetical.

      However, let me be crystal clear in what I’m about to say. I do NOT appreciate you insulting me or my friends on this blog. This is not a place for you to tell me off. Like I said before, I encourage debate and dialogue. But insulting me when you have not met me in real life is unacceptable. There is still some etiquette when it comes to posting. You have no idea if I have nagged any person in my life. You have no idea what I NEED TO HEAR BAD. And I never want to read the word “becth” on my blog every again. Please refrain from insulting people you have not met. This blog, as is anyone’s I would imagine, is a big part of our lives, but it is not the ONLY part of our lives. Passing THIS kind of judgment is unacceptable.

      And for the record, spell check is not required in responding, but you sound more intelligent when you write something correctly.

      • Lily May 11, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

        You are so right. To be honest, you are a hero of mine- being so brave and putting yourself out there. I read your blog and it inspires me b/c I am rejected all the time and it hurts.

        I guess I’m just jealous that you seem to have the perfect fun “Sex & the City” dating life and I can barely seem to keep a guy interested for more than a first date.

        Sorry. 😦 Friends????????

      • Mel May 11, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

        Are you being sarcastic or serious? I’m not sure by your response, I could go either way. And if not sarcastic, thank you. My apologies for being a bit on the defensive.

        Rejection is only part of dating. No Sex & the City life here. I just put myself out there – and have been rejected several times. Clearly. There are many men I only date “one and done.” It happens. But unless you put yourself out there and try new experiences, you’ll never know the other side. The side where you don’t get rejected.

        So again, apologies if I misread this originally. Friends.

  2. jolene1079 May 11, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    I wish I had an answer for you, I really do, because I don’t know why the men you’ve dated recently fall into these same patterns…I don’t even know if I could say it’s something you are doing, because I am not sure it is something you are doing that is making it happen, either, ya know? All I can say is onward, and we learn something new with every person we date. Right?

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 4:35 pm #

      Right. Two words, ok, maybe three: VEGAS BABY, VEGAS!

  3. jsutera654 May 11, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    I know, agree with Jo. I guess my question is – are you SURE they aren’t more alike to begin with than you think and you are, in fact, dating the same kind of guy (the not-good-enough-for-you type!), hence the pattern? Sh*t if I know, just throwing it out there. All I know is that you do NOT deserve such runaround from anybody, you deserve love and I know you will find it, I just wish I could tell you when and who. That goes for Jo, too. 😉

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm #

      Maybe a need a better “you’re not good enough for me” radar. HEY! I bet I’d make a lot of money with that. But to answer your question – no, I’m not sure. I wish I did. One day, maybe, I’ll figure it out. 🙂

  4. Snark B May 11, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

    What the hell is a becth? Your good friends may have earned the right to tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly, but don’t listen to douchy advice from people who don’t even know you. Relationships are hard, and anyone who tells you they know all the answers is just selling you snake oil.

    “Texting every day and all that crap isn’t because they like to- it is because they want to keep you interested and they know this is the bait.” I don’t know what kind of world this person lives in, but it sounds sad and pathetic. I know plenty of men who like to text and “all that crap.” If a woman pretended not to care when I contacted her, you know what I would do? Stop contacting her. Because that’s how rational mature human beings behave. Dating IS a game, but what you’re looking for is someone who plays by the same rules you do. If you WANT a guy who only shows interest when you ignore him, then use that strategy.

    I had the same thought that Jess did: even though all these guys seem different superficially, maybe they’re all more alike than you think. I don’t know you, apart from this blog, and I certainly don’t know any of the men you dated, but maybe there are common threads you can see in all of them? You’ve mentioned good male friends on this blog. You obviously admire and respect them. What’s the difference between them and the guys you’ve dated? Have you ever considered dating any of them? Why/why not? A lot of great relationships start out as good friendships first.

    I don’t have the answers, I just wonder if these questions can help you figure things out. Maybe you could use the George Constanza strategy: if all your instincts have been wrong so far, then do the exact opposite of what your instincts tell you. If it doesn’t work, then at least it will be hilarious.

    As for the patterns you’ve noticed, that the level of contact falls off after a few months. That might be the natural course of a relationship. You can’t always expect the early, giddy phase of a relationship to last forever. However, that phase should be replaced by something more significant. It should start to feel more like an old comfortable sneaker and less like brand-new pumps. (Excuse my shoe analogy, I’m a guy so I don’t know what exactly fits there.)

    As for guys not making good on promises, there are several possibilities: 1. )They lied, 2.) they had second thoughts, or 3.) they were trapped in a Turkish prison.

    You snowflake analogy reminded me of this saying: Opinions are like assholes– everybody has one!

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

      Snark – I do not know where to begin, except to say this: Please let me know when you’re in Boston….I’m taking you out and we’re having a BIG discussion. XOXOXO

      • Snark B May 11, 2010 at 5:26 pm #

        It’s a deal. If K ever takes me home to meet her family, I’ll be in the Boston area, and I’ll definitely have to meet up with you and Jo, and judge whatever men ya’ll are dating.

      • Mel May 11, 2010 at 5:27 pm #

        We look forward to it…maybe we can meet K too. We’ll discuss further when this turns from a hypothetical trip to a real one.

      • jolene1079 May 11, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

        YES, I vote a visit to meet up and to meet our to-be-determined HOT men, right Mel? 😉

      • Mel May 11, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

        Riiiiight. 🙂

    • jsutera654 May 12, 2010 at 12:17 pm #

      Can I come??? 🙂

      • Mel May 12, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

        Of course. The more the merrier on our date. 🙂

  5. Meg May 11, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    Wow – nice to see some serious dialouge but mean spiritedness has no place here. And I don’t who he is – but I heart Snark!

    XOXO
    Meg

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

      And I bet Snark hearts you back. Because, well… he is the bomb.

      • Snark B May 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm #

        Thanks, Ladies. I am a heart bomb, or so says my cholesterol.

  6. LiLu May 11, 2010 at 5:16 pm #

    You need a sassy gay man at your side at all times. Best “you’re not good enough for her” radar EVER.

    🙂

    • Mel May 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm #

      Maybe I’ll find some new ones in Vegas? Have several in Miami, but need to find a sassy one here in good ol’ Beantown.

  7. Miss OverThinker May 14, 2010 at 11:19 am #

    I can’t help but say that I heart Snark too.. who is this guy? 🙂

  8. IntrigueMe May 20, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    I’ve not read the other comments so this is probably repeated advice but- men like the chase. As soon as you start showing interest back, they get bored and quit. Don’t give him too much attention. It’s riddiculous to feel like you’re playing “games” but every guy is like this. I swear. EVERY. ONE.

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