Separated, But Not Divorced?

13 Aug

So I get it. I’m in my early 30s and the men I’m looking for happen to be in their mid-late 30s. I get it. Some have been single their entire life and some are divorced. No biggie. I have several friends who have gone for divorce and have come out the better end of it. They learned from this experience and are growing from it.

Because I know so many people who have gone through this, I never really think much about it. It is part of life.

So what do you when you deal with someone who is separated, but not divorced? When they’re in that limbo stage?

This time around on Match (I think I’m on round 436, but whose counting) has been interesting. I first stated on this site back in my mid-20s and had fun with it. Now in my early 30s, I get a whole new pack of men winking and emailing me.  Men who are closer to Pops’ age then mine (can I get ewwwww yucky on that) and then men closer to  my age. At least in their later 30s or very early 40s. OK, I can dig it. I’ve had some interesting convos with a new boy this week, and that is for a later post.  But lately I’ve had an influx of men interested in me who have labeled themselves on Match as “Currently Separated.”  But not divorced? I don’t get it.  Why have all of these men popped up all of the sudden?

Is it the age I’m at? The times we’re living in? And for me, how can I wrap my head around dating someone who is still technically married, yet not happy, and therefore looking to get out and find a new relationship? Can they even move on? And can I get over being that “other woman” even though it wouldn’t be a secret?

I don’t know…it just seems a bit weird to me. Like the man who walks into a bar and takes off his wedding band because he is unhappy and wants something new and different and shiney – and is probably separated or on his way towards that.  But this time, its ok because it is online and public?? (OK, so I’m being dramatic.)

I’m just trying to understand.  I don’t think it’s wrong, I’m just trying to figure it all out.

Divorced folks/near-divorced folks – can you explain?


41 Responses to “Separated, But Not Divorced?”

  1. Kristen August 13, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

    interestingly, i met a guy last winter who was separated. we became friends on fb after a few weeks and i was surprised to see he was still listed as ‘married’ on his profile, complete with pics of a romantic valentines getaway from the year before. we went back & forth about it, and eventually he understood why it was uncomfortable for me and changed it. a few weeks after that, i decided to walk away because he didn’t seem ready to be out of that relationship. we remained friends and he did eventually file for divorce.

    just this week in my news feed i saw “Separated guy is married to What’sherface.” they decided to work things out. months had passed and i have no feelings for him, so i wasn’t upset. i was more happy that i had decided to follow my gut. my new rule is the guy has to be divorced…

    • TisWID August 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

      That’s kind of maddening though, right? I mean, you go back and forth with this guy and you can’t seem to get a “straight answer.” So you found out on FB that they reconciled? See…another argument why I think Facebook is the devil…and Twitter, but I digress. That may be another post.

      And BTW – thanks for commenting! I appreciate it!

      • ruth July 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

        I agree FB ruins lives and marriages. It is the Devil in disguise and those who are not opening their eyes are deceived. Horrible.

  2. Miss Over Thinker August 13, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    I would have to agree with Kristen on that one.. I have never been married but I very briefly dated a guy who was separated…. I ducked out very early on because I could tell that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship where he could commit himself fully.. trust me, you don’t want to get involved with someone who’s going through a divorce settlement – it can get ugly pretty quickly.. (IMHO)

    • TisWID August 13, 2010 at 3:23 pm #

      Sometimes it’s hard though to wonder – “could I be walking away from a great guy? even though he’s in a precarious predicament at the moment?” I guess going with your gut is the best approach. A friend once told me that as women we need to listen, and more so, trust our instincts. They’re usually right!

  3. jolene1079 August 13, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    Aw, thanks for the shout-out first of all 😉 And ya know, I think you have a very valid point – the phrase ‘separated but not divorced’ raises red flags – even to me, and I dated before I was divorced too (officially, that is, paperwork takes forever). So my decision when I started the match thing was to put “divorced” because in my head, I was, and I knew the label “separated” was almost worse “looking” than divorce. My only caveat is that I of course made sure I was ready to date before diving in, even though I wasn’t yet divorced, and some that are separated may not really be, even if they say they are. But I guess that goes the same for anyone ending a long term relationship (doesn’t have to be marriage), and you just go in eyes wide open no matter what. Okay, rambling over. I agree, I would go for “Single” or “Divorced” over “Separated” hands down…doesn’t mean everyone who puts “divorced” necessarily is (clearly I wasn’t) but it tends to indicate closure just a bit more. Joda out!

    • TisWID August 13, 2010 at 3:18 pm #

      Maybe its the closure thing I’m struggling with – it just seems like such a delicate balancing act.

      • jolene1079 August 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

        I think it is a balancing act for sure, and closure is hard to determine from just that, obviously, but I know what you mean. Just go with your gut.

    • Miss Over Thinker August 13, 2010 at 3:29 pm #

      What I should have said in my orig comment was that ideally it’s nice to stay away from any one who’s coming out a LTR – it doesn’t have to necessarily be marriage (like Jolene pointed out).. as I am finding out the hard way myself..

      You are right, that we should listen to our gut, but in my experience by the time my gut starts to tell me something’s wrong, I’ve already invested too much of myself into the relationship.. I don’t think I can quite explain what I am trying to say – sorry…

  4. Akirah August 13, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    Mmm. Ya, I’m not divorced, so my opinions don’t matter much, but I was always curious about this too. My good friend is going thru a divorce and has been putting “it’s complicated” and “separated” on all her online profiles. I’m still not sure she’s completely ready to jump out there, but she never suffered a lack of suitors. It seemed interesting that people were so willing to date her, despite the baggage.

    It might have something to do with her boob job though.

    • TisWID August 13, 2010 at 3:17 pm #

      I bet it did have a lot to do with her ta-tas. (And yes, I’m 12 and can only focus on the second part of your comment.)

  5. jolene1079 August 13, 2010 at 3:19 pm #

    That’s a riot Akirah…the boob job part, of course. And I can totally hear you saying that! I think the “it’s complicated” status is such an attention stunt thing, in my opinion, but that’s just me.

  6. IntrigueMe August 13, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    I’ve never been divorced or separated or dated anyone who was either, but I have friends who are/have and I think they take into consideration the specific situation between the guy and his wife (that sounds weird- no?).

    For example, one friend met a guy on POF who was separated. His wife cheated on him, they split, she moved out, they had little to no contact except for between lawyers, both had no desire to continue the marriage nor did they have any feelings remaining for each other… and he was not bitter about his situation. He’s been dating my friend for almost 2 years now and they just moved in together… happy as can be, and he treats her like gold.

    Now, someone who did still have some unresolved feelings or drama with the ex, maybe not so much. If there are children involved, I personally would be extra cautious because the last thing I’d want to do as a single girl is get between two parents who may have a chance at reconciling.

    Long story short- it’s situational, I guess. (I would also look at WHY he was separated and contemplate what the reason- not the fact- says about his character. Did he cheat? Did she? Were they just unhappy?)

  7. verybadcat August 16, 2010 at 9:42 am #

    hmm. i think it depends, frankly, on the divorce laws in your state. here in north carolina, you must be separated for 366 days before you can even file for divorce. in my case, i had the separation agreement drawn and signed in two months, complete with a third-party clause (holding me harmless for any relationships, because without that clause, again in nc, dating while separated is adultery.

    so. i wouldn’t immediately disqualify someone on that status alone, but i do think that it warrants further investigation, and someone who is not divorced but is already dating should be very open and willing to discuss their situation.


  8. Sarah August 18, 2010 at 11:41 am #

    I was dating my (now) fiance when he was separated. Honestly, it depends on the circumstances and whether or not you believe what they’re telling you about said circumstances.

    There is no one cut-and-dried answer to whether or not it’s a good idea. It has a lot to do with how long they’ve been separated, why they’re divorcing, etc.

    • Monami November 26, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

      Sarah, I am curious to know if you are now married…I was happy to read at least one post that was not all doom and gloom. I am dating an old high school friend who is finalizing his divorce. We have such a connection because we have known each other for so many years. I am proceeding with caution but I care enough about him to at least see what happens.

  9. rancor100 August 19, 2010 at 6:39 am #

    For me it’s merely a financial dilemma. Due to the impending divorce combined with my desire for the kids to be well provided-for, I found myself moving into an empty house with absolutely NOTHING. In the past two weeks I’ve had to purchase a refrigerator, washer and dryer, dining table, sofa and loveseat, coffee table and end tables, and about a million articles like shower curtains, window curtains, silverware, microwave, can opener, pots and pans, waste cans, et cetera. The list goes on-and-on-and-on….

    So when having to choose between making the divorce official, versus buying a few more items for the house, it’s honestly a tough choice. (For the record, my wife practically threw me out so she could date another man, and she is the one pushing for the divorce, yet is unable or unwilling to pay for it herself). This leaves me in a sticky situation… should I spend my own money to grant her this divorce so she can date someone else with a clean conscience? Or do I spend the money on much-needed items for the new house, and hope that the women I’m dating understand when I try to explain that I’ll be officially divorced just as soon as I’m done buying cookware and bathmats?

    • JFM June 25, 2011 at 11:59 pm #

      I’m in a similar dilemma. We’ve been separated for 2 and a half years and my wife says she wanted a divorce over a year ago. She claims she is not seeing anyone though she talks to people occasionally via phone, etc. (not so sure about that but…)

      Anyway, why she won’t go ahead and pay for it herself is a mystery to me. She keeps asking me when we’ll meet at the court house and split the cost.

      She left me and I stayed behind in the home. The law in the state says after two years you can file no-fault.

      I’m confused. Has anyone ever been in this predicament before?

    • JFM June 27, 2011 at 1:20 am #

      I’m in a similar dilemma. We’ve been separated for 2 and a half years and my wife says she wanted a divorce over a year ago. She claims she is not seeing anyone though she talks to people occasionally via phone, etc. (not so sure about that but…)

      Anyway, why she won’t go ahead and pay for it herself is a mystery to me. She keeps asking me when we’ll meet at the court house and split the cost.

      She left me and I stayed behind in the home. The law in the state says after two years you can file no-fault.

      I’m confused. Has anyone ever been in this predicament before?

  10. Castlerock August 20, 2010 at 1:21 pm #

    Personally I would stay clear. I met a seperated man over a year ago. He had his own flat and the financial terms of the seperation were all laid out and agreed. Within about 6 months we were completely in love (or so he said). He asked me to marry him when he was divorced, said he could not live without me and we were planning to move in together in the autumn. I even gave up a great job in another city (it was a weekend and few days a week relationship) in June so we could be together – we had agreed it all and even the fact that I was going to extend my house rental in London for two years. He brought up the subject of kids and as I was over 40 we were trying before in. Unfortunately in June (just as I was leaving my job) I got a call from what I thought was his ex. In actual fact he had been living back in the marital home since October. I as distraught and his friends and family were shocked as well – they had no idea as he still saw them with me – they had never got on well with this wife so to them I was his new partner.

    Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant and he has stayed away. Obviously he had made his decision a long time ago but decided to have his cake and eat it – keeping the flat on to avoid me getting suspicious.

    So my advice is stay away – not because it’s morally wrong or anything – they are seperated after all and it is a sign of the times but because my experience to date suggests men are crap at telling the truth. I think I lot will say what they need to say to avoid any conflict but what they fail to realise is that they are hurting people in the process. I’ve read a few blogs and they suggest that the woman is totally at fault because he is married. I get so angry at this – why can some women not see that men should take responsibility for their actions rather than woman taking the blame. This type of behaviour just encourages men to continue lying their way through life and being constantly forgiven for it. And before you ask I would not have him back even if he crawled so I’m certainly not one of those women that let men back and all they have to do is say sorry!

    Sorry for rant but until men grow up stay clear!

    • TisWID August 22, 2010 at 9:06 am #

      WOW – what a story. I can’t even begin to fathom how that felt or how you dealt with the whole situation. How is your baby? How are you? What did you do?

  11. Castlerock August 22, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    Thanks for your reply. I’m just coming through the haze now – three months later and beginning to accept a lot of things. All seems well with the baby thanks and as time goes on I’m managing to divorce it from it’s father – at the beginning it was very hard but now I’m very protective and just want it to be ok. Going through counselling but to be honest what has helped most are all the stories of strong woman who have managed single motherhood. I know it won’t be easy but everyone says it will be worth it.

    I hope things are ok with you and that you have managed to work things through in your head. I know that not all men are the same but just make sure you look after number one. Just listen to your inner voice and you’ll be fine.

  12. Liedto December 6, 2010 at 2:59 am #

    I dated a man who said he was divorced on match. Four months into the relationship I happen to check to see when he got divorced by looking at the clerk of court records. There was no divorce. Unfortunately I was so emotionally invested by then that I very much wanted to believe he really wanted to be divorced.
    So, he tells me he thought it was filed, and that when he separated 2 years before he met me, they had separated everthing through legalzoom. Florida doesn’t have legal separation but some states do.
    Then they put up a property for sale to reduce what he owes her. Six months later the property sale takes place, but they still don’t file for divorce. He kept telling me the filing would take place in 3 to 5 weeks. What was confusing is that there didn’t seem to be any direct contact between him and his wife, and I don’t think they’ll ever get back together. He kept telling me all communication went through his lawyer.
    Anyway, just two weeks short of the one year anniversary of our relationship, I break off the relationship. I finally realize that his newest story, his intent to sell the marital house that he is living in, and that once it is listed they will file for divorce, is just that……..another story/lie.
    Ironically the relationship ended Aug. 13th the date of your blog post, and to this date ( 4 months later) the house has still not been put up for sale, nor has a divorce been filed yet. This means the man I was with was a complete liar about “hotly pursuing divorce” as he put it. After being separated for over 3 years it is clear he doesn’t want to divorce, or he would have just filed.
    He couldn’t be trusted and had major baggage of an unfinished marriage. I feel terribly betrayed and I still don’t understand why he doesn’t want to get divorced but my advice is: DO NOT DATE separated men!

    • TisWID December 6, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

      WOW – All I can say is – WHAT A MASSIVE JERK!! I’m sorry you went through that crap.

  13. Needle March 28, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    I’d like to offer an outside opinion on this if I may.

    My ex and I have been seperated for over 2 years. I moved out for several months, moved back in by myself into our house, and then moved out on my own about 6 months later and have been living solo for over a year and a half. Our divorce is not finalized. I went on a few dates right after we split up, but nothing was clicking, because I just wasn’t ready at that time or finding the right match. But, last May I met someone, we hit it off big time, and dated for 9 months up until a few weeks ago. Things ended up not working out because we just weren’t a good match in the long run, but regardless, we dated and worked through a lot of things together as you would with anyone and it was a functioning relationship.

    I haven’t personally pushed to file for the divorce (which the plan is to do through a paralegal and avoid the court costs) because I can’t afford to. I am currently struggling to even buy groceries as our split left me with a 70% reduction in income, and I’ve got a lot of bills to pay.

    There is no chance of reconciling because it is over, and we have both moved past it and on with our lives. We have 2 beautiful twin daughters, and we have a very good working parental relationship, and remain friends to a certain level.

    I do believe there are some real jerks out there, both male and female, when it comes to this topic. I, however, am divorced in my mind AND in my heart. I spent 12 years with my ex and pretty much all of my adult life with her, but at this point it’s just a legal matter. I don’t have any remaining feelings, and if I do, it’s only that I find that kind of connection with someone again in my future, because when it was good it was a good thing.

    From the outside I know this is hard to understand, but I think if you are to date someone who’s seperated and GETTING divorced, this is the critical difference. Just be sure to not discount someone because of their “legal” status. It really comes down to the emotional and mental status of the person.

  14. Steve March 29, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    Here is my take on the situation. I am a separated man who is not in a hurry to get a divorce. Its not because I have any desire to stay with the wife, but more a financial situation. I am the only one with a job and I have student loans to pay, and its very expensive to file for a divorce. I help out my ex by helping her get back on her feet so that she won’t need to come after me for anything when we file. Its a mutual agreement. Why would I need to hurry a process for the sake of it? My separated spouse is ok with the arrangement and so am I. I think that the problem resides in the candidness of the individual and not their marital status. I have dated women who have done the same as well. Its not a rarity at all.

    • JFM June 26, 2011 at 12:03 am #

      That’s exactly my situation. Was left holding all the bills. Too expensive.

  15. Len April 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm #

    I see this thread is really old, but I’m going to post my response anyway because I’ve come across a whole bunch of websites warning women to stay away from any man who lists their status as “Separated”.

    There are many reasons a man might do this. Financial considerations were already explained by a few guys.

    In my case, I haven’t filed for divorce yet because my wife has a serious medical condition and her employer does not offer health insurance. Under the terms of my employer’s policy, if I divorce her, she will automatically lose her coverage. She has a serious medical condition, and losing the coverage would basically be sentencing her to death. I’m not going to do that to our daughter, or to her son (who I raised for 13 years as my own because his biological father abandoned him). My step-son would also lose coverage if I divorced her, and he suffers from Tourette’s syndrome and needs medical coverage. So, for me, it is a matter of keeping my estranged spouse and my step-son alive and healthy. Is that so horrible, that I should be avoided like the plague???

    It is NOT a sign that I am not ready to move on, or that I’m unsure of whether I want to be with her. I am done with her. She cheated on me three times, so there’s no desire on my part to be “with” her anymore. The marriage is forever broken, by her conduct, not mine

    I also think it is ridiculous that some people say the “separated” status indicates a married man who is cheating on his spouse. If someone is going to lie to their spouse and have an affair, you don’t think their gonna lie on a dating website and say they’re single??? I don’t get it. If they’re gonna lie, why would they say married but separated. They would just say “single” or “divorced”.

    I have never cheated on my wife, or any woman I have been involved with. I don’t believe in it. If your unhappy, leave and find someone else. But I am offended by the notion that just because I’m not legally divorced, I am unworthy of dating.

    • Carole August 22, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

      Not sure what type of insurance policy you have, but federal law allows spouses (ex) and children to continue their coverage for a minimum of 18 months. This is not a “new” law it’s called COBRA and has been in effect for many years.

    • Lynn November 22, 2012 at 12:57 am #

      Fact is, no matter what the reason, f the other party cannot survive without your commitment on levels be they romantic or fiscal, you do not have the ability to attach to another person if they want a long term committed relationship or marriage. If the other person is fine without the commitments, then it I a non issue of course. But to those of us single folks who want a mate and a marriage, yes, I would agree to stay away from separated people. Besides the fact that they are not untied legally from someone and COULD be committing a crime based on the statute of the state resided in, there is still the need for emotional resolution at the end of a divorce settlement, especially if the person was not the one who initiated the divorce.

  16. Don P July 30, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Here, here Len. A guy tries to be HONEST on his profile by saying he’s currently “separated”…and some women want to immediately avoid them?

  17. Stanton September 21, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    My advice is to be very careful. My husband billed himself as separated but not divorced without cluing me in on it! We were experiencing problems, but I never expected his deceit and lies. I was CRUSHED when I found out, truly devastated especially for my children. I wonder if the woman my husband met would have carried forth with the relationship if she had known that we were not separated.I also found out that he was involved with many other women, probably using the same status. Unless you can be certain the separation is official, move on to someone else. Good luck!

    • TisWID September 23, 2011 at 10:29 am #

      UGH! I am so sorry to read this. Thank you for your advice!

  18. SB February 22, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    While I definitely understand that there are plenty of liars and all-around bad guys out there, I thought I would just give my take. I am currently separated. My wife abruptly decided that she didn’t want to be in a committed relationship after four years. I was willing to work on things, she wasn’t. I see it this way: I feel no need to try to win back someone if they aren’t in it for the long haul and committed to the responsibility of a communicative marriage.

    Because of this, I am ready to move on and meet people who are up for a meaningful relationship. Luckily we are on amicable terms while knowing fully well that we are 100% over. However, there is one problem. North Carolina makes a couple be separated for one year and one day before they can file for divorce. If we could file tomorrow, we would… but we can’t. I would be interested to hear a female perspective on my situation. I am seriously thinking about creating a Match profile, but am worried this stigma of being “currently separated” will only hurt me. Lying and saying I’m divorced isn’t an option in my mind. I am trying to be honest about my circumstances. Seems like a lose-lose situation until divorce…? Thanks for your thoughts.

  19. SY July 15, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    I’m kind of the same situation as SB. My husband cheated on me back in February. We were going to try to work it out but shortly afterwards he decided he didn’t want to try after all. He has since moved out. I too have no interest in being with someone who doesn’t want to be in a committed, long-term marriage/relationship. I would like to start dating but I’m not sure how that would be perceived. I do get asked on dates but I have felt the need to decline – all of these guys know that I’m separated – but it still seems off to me. Yet I could be passing up the opportunity to meet someone truly special. I would like to file for divorce immediately but there are a lot of financial loose ends that I was left with when my husband moved out that are a lot more pressing then paying for a divorce. I feel stuck…

  20. Wary December 2, 2012 at 9:53 am #

    I find myself here looking at your blog because I just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 months because I just found out that she hasn’t filed for divorce. I’ve done significant legal research today and discovered that the state we live in a. Does not have any provision for legal separation, b. has fault and no fault clauses to the divorce, and c. Wilful Desertion and adultery are both considered “fault” divorces. She left him almost a year ago which the state sees as wilful desertion and she has dated and slept with several guys since then including me. According to our state laws, that is still adultery. Her husband cheated on her long before all of this but she stuck around but at this point him doing it first won’t matter to the judge since she has done it as well if that were ever to come up in court. More importantly though, I’m an active duty military member and he’s a guardsman. The military does not play that so I’ve had to walk away from her because the moment that I became aware that she was still married I became accountable for my actions in the situation if I continue. She feels like I’m discarding her like trash and she also assures me that her “ex” knows nothing about me and won’t find out and even if he did he’s not the kind of guy that will do anything about it. All gambles that she is willing to take with my welfare that I am not. S she has laid a heavy guilt trip on me and got me feeling pretty much like shit even though I know I made the right decision.

    I recommend you avoid this if you can because I also found out that in some cases you can be dragged into the divorce proceedings because of the role your relationship played in the divorce potentially.


  21. Love'sGotMeDoinTime February 8, 2013 at 11:21 pm #

    I’ve been separated nearly a year and have remained out of the dating scene [this time] because I was at first hopeful for working it out. After about 8-9 months of complete silence I get a hateful message, so that clued me in that nothing was changing. I have no intentions of dating until the divorce is final. I have dated previously while separated, but the circumstances were much different, but that doesn’t make it right or comfortable for everyone. Personally, this time around, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea even now that I have turned the corner and accepted things for the way they are and have released the garbage from the past. Emotionally, I am done with it and am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and very much hopeful for the future. I’ve dated ‘separated’ people in the past and I think my story would jive with most of what’s being said here — don’t’ do it. There are too many variables that can lead to ugliness by the other spouse and make things not only harder on the one who is separated, but you especially. Do yourself a favor and ‘make a rule’ to avoid someone who is separated as someone has said. If things come back around after they have completed the divorce, maybe explore it then.

  22. katie88 March 31, 2013 at 1:34 am #

    As the STBXW of a man, who is :”currently separated”, I would advice people, especially those looking for LTR’s to stay away from Separated men\women. I have been separated for a year from my husband. He wanted to end the marriage because, he had “not been in love for a long time” and felt that “we were different people who had grown apart” and also because he had met someone at work, whom he was planning to pursue (he did not admit to the last part of course, The separation, in his eyes, was ALL my fault), I was of course shell shocked because I knew we were facing issues like any other couple but I assumed it was the stress from work since he had just got a new job, and I definitely did not expect our problems to amount to divorce. He did not want counseling nor did he want to speak to a pastor. At the same time though, he expected the usual sexual intimacy as before, in fact much more, along with his laundry , meals etc. I guess the forbidden pleasure of banging a soon to be ex wife was too much of a thrill to resist despite his “unhappiness and disillusionment”.. and I of course was stupid and enough of a doormat to give in to him since I wanted so badly to reconcile..I found out later that not only was he messaging his co worker sometimes late into the night,, (yes I snooped, he gave me a vaild reason to do so), while I was supposedly asleep, but he was also on marketing himself as “currently separated yet still a Romantic idealist”.*roll eyes*. His co worker was under the impression that I had moved out after our divorce talk and was in mutual agreement about our divorce. At the same time, he was also trying to get back in touch with an ex girlfriend from college whose engagement had been called off. He actually filed for divorce only a month back after “giving our marriage a lot of due consideration for my benefit”, though he still calls sometimes saying that he is depressed and missing me and wondering jf he is making the right decision after all (in an effort to reduce spousal support)..Of course he is still very much active on, winking, “favorite listing”, and emailing hot, never married, middle eastern women., So tell me is this the kind of person who should even be on a dating site?? I know that not all separated men are the same, but why tempt all that drama and heartbreak, when you can avoid it???

  23. Sandrea December 18, 2013 at 12:31 am #

    Hello….I would like to post and see if anyone will repond. I know this is a VERY old post but here is my story just in case. Been married for 6 yrs and have seperated about 4 times (about 2-3 month long seperations) We have history. Lots of it. Unfortunately, I cheated on my spouse 5 years ago because things were very unstable (We were talking of divorce at the time) We decided to reconcile and about a yr later found out I was pregnant. Our son brought joy and love back in the picture but about 2 years ago my husband began accusing me again. He has never completely forgiven me for my past een after begging him for forgiveness, being transparent, praying, and reassuring him that I made a HUGE mistake and loved him only. He has become verbally abusive calling me names infront of our child for years now and I have finally had enough. He would leave us and come back a month or two later and I always took him back. I have finally reached the “I’m Done!” point. We are waiting for Christmas to pass and will be seperating this coming New Year….im not even spending NY with him. I need time and space but I honestly feel like im done and over it. He has used my past as leverage so he can get away with things and abusive words to hurt me. I have tried and tried and tried. Weve done counseling, church, dates, etc and still nothing. Trust is gone and so is respect. I am ready to let it go and just move forward. I am not interested in dating just yet but honestly I understand why people do it so fast even after seperation. Loneliness can take its toll on a person. I agree with posts to at least wait for legal seperation. The person will have to keep in mind that this person is STILL somewhat connected to their spouse so anything can happen. Best of luck to everyone.

    • TisWID April 8, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is an old post, but I think it resonates with folks for a long time. I am so sorry for your history…it’s never an easy choice for anyone. And it appears between trying church, counseling, etc. you’ve tried everything. I hope you’ve found some peace again. Please let us know your updates!

  24. CagedNightingale August 15, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    Speaking as someone who’s separated, my reasons for not getting divorced have nothing to do with how I feel about my STBXW. As far as I’m concerned I’m emotionally, financially and physically divorced . My children, however, feel otherwise. Even though the separation happened well over a year ago, the subject is still very raw and painful for them and they still live in hope that we’ll some day reconcile. Were I to take the last step, so to speak, the only outcome (speaking from experience) would be my STBXW using it as an emotional weapon against me through the children. That aside, I currently have lots of other things on which I could spend the money necessary for a divorce. I’ll wait a couple more years so that even though my children will still be upset, they’ll hopefully be better able to put things in perspective.

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