27 Sep

I need to put myself first. And more often than not, I don’t.  This is a hard concept for me to put into words – the idea of putting myself first instead of last (which tends to be the case.) But let me tell a story that can help describe the predicament I often find myself in. 

I’ve talked often about the Seven Year Man – well mainly, because it is hard not to admit the profound affect (effect?) he had on my life after being in it for so long.  But in the first year of our relationship, I thought he cheated on me. Part of me still questions it. But it was more than 10 years ago, so most of me has let it go.

My friend at the time – who we will now aptly dub Douchebag of the Century aka DBag b/c she is well, quite frankly a big Dbag – asked me to meet her at the restaurant where she hosted during our senior year of college.  I thought she was going to talk to me about her crack additct boyfriend – yep, you read me correctly – CRACK ADDICT BFRIEND, who also happened to be a DBag, but I digress. Anyway, the Seven Year Man was working a seasonal job with her boyfriend – it didn’t work out well and it sucked. Why did it suck? Because…well…at the time I didn’t realize he was a crack addict and I hooked my boyfriend up with the job.  So needless to say, it created a big riff between the two couples. It was Me/Seven Year Man vs. DBag and Crack Addict.

Either way, Seven Year Man abruptly quit this seasonal job, leaving the Crack Addict in a bit of a pinch.

When the Crack Addict started venting to one of his other employees about the Seven Year Man, this employee mentioned that she and the Seven Year Man spent a night together.

WHAT? Back the truck up.

Yup, you read it – they. spent. a. night. together.

I guess I should also mention that when DBag told me this story, the Seven Year Man and I were planning our Spring Break trip to visit my ‘rents in the Sunny South.

Long story short, I called him, yelled at him, called the girl (yup at work – it was one of my more shining moments in college when I didn’t take crap from people), yelled at her, and then he came down to the restaurant and then I let him yell at her. And then we reconciled. 

Here’s the skinny: he did spent a night with her, but apparently it was all “innocent” and they just hung out one night after work and he “must have told me but maybe forgot.”

All very mature <insert sarcasm>.

And then we went back to his dorm/apartment.  But I bet you can’t guess what happened next? Yup, the Seven Year Man BLAMED ME! Said to me he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t cheat.  

UMMMM – WHAT? You may not have cheated on me in the “technical” sense by sleeping with her. But you still spent a night with another girl – a younger girl from the U.K. – and CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU GIRLFRIEND. Who knows what actually happened?

Lovely, huh? 

I still took him back, still took him to the Sunny South, and continued to deal with our crappy relationship for several more years.

Read: I DIDN’T PUT MYSELF FIRST. I put him first, his feelings, his jobs, his emotions, his life. And I did it for years. I did what he wanted to do, went to his place whenever he wanted, saw the movies he wanted, and never once, put myself first.

Long story short – I still do it. I still put others first and me last. And it’s not fair. My word is my bond and unfortunately, people don’t always feel the same way. People don’t always honor their word and definitely don’t follow through with what they promise.  And well, I’m quite sick of it.

I’m taking a stand.

So lately, more often than not, I started putting ME first and doing what I want, when I want, and not apologizing. If it interferes or upsets others, I can’t help it.  Most people haven’t cared how their actions/inactions have affected me. So why should I care about their feeling?

Sometimes, I need to focus on me. As selfish as that sounds. Sometimes, I need to put me first.


10 Responses to “Sometimes…”

  1. Single Girl September 29, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

    Not selfish at all! I did the same thing, and I think that women specifically, can fall into this trap very easily.

    I saw a postcard on a few weeks back and it took my breath away how true it felt to me. Certainly made me think twice about starting to put myself first too. The postcard read:

    “It takes a lot of energy to be the friend each person in my life needs.” It’s easy to get worn out if we don’t put ourselves first every now and then…

  2. Miss Over Thinker September 29, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    I struggle with this so much and have in all of my relationships.. I don’t even know how to begin to change and think about myself for a change.. I know I need to change because I can’t keep up this forever but I find myself unable to do anything about it..

    • TisWID September 29, 2010 at 7:15 pm #

      I know. Its tough. But sometimes I feel I need to make tough decisions. And stop caring how others feel about you. B/c you need to be ok with going against what’s normal to you. Sux, I know. Xo

  3. jolene1079 September 29, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

    I don’t think it’s selfish at all friend. I am trying to do that too. It’s harder to do than you’d think sometimes, isn’t it? Sucks about seven year man…and seriously?! your friend? wow, like whoa.

  4. Akirah September 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

    Not selfish. This is my most important dating commandment. I MUST take care of myself. I am a social worker, which basically means I’m always taking care of other people. I simply cannot replicate the social worker/client relationship in any of my romantic relationships. It’s dangerous and it will fail. So I’m with you, girl. Take care of you! It’s important!

    • TisWID September 29, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

      I think it goes with everyone – romantic partners, family, friends. Sometimes they don’t show the same respect, so you sometimes need to put yourself ahead of them too. I think all rel should be a two-way street.

  5. D September 30, 2010 at 1:16 pm #

    I like it! Can you teach a class on how to put yourself first? I’ll be first in line. I need a good lesson on how to do that, and then not feel guilty!

    • TisWID September 30, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

      I think we all need a course. 🙂 I def don’t think I can teach it tho!

  6. Newlyweds on a Budget September 30, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

    oh i have SO been there. You know the part where you give more and more and won’t take because you want to be selfless and you’re in love and isn’t that what people do when they’re in love? but isn’t it funny how its not the other way around. And then one day you wake up and realize it and say to hell with this.

    And you never look back. Because you put yourself first 😀


  1. I’m As Versatile « This is Why I Date - October 1, 2010

    […] I guess I’ve had to be versatile and change and mold the way I act lately. I wrote in a previous post that I need to sometimes “put me” first.  Not just in romantic relationships, but in […]

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