Sometimes…

I need to put myself first. And more often than not, I don’t.  This is a hard concept for me to put into words – the idea of putting myself first instead of last (which tends to be the case.) But let me tell a story that can help describe the predicament I often find myself in. 

I’ve talked often about the Seven Year Man – well mainly, because it is hard not to admit the profound affect (effect?) he had on my life after being in it for so long.  But in the first year of our relationship, I thought he cheated on me. Part of me still questions it. But it was more than 10 years ago, so most of me has let it go.

My friend at the time – who we will now aptly dub Douchebag of the Century aka DBag b/c she is well, quite frankly a big Dbag – asked me to meet her at the restaurant where she hosted during our senior year of college.  I thought she was going to talk to me about her crack additct boyfriend – yep, you read me correctly – CRACK ADDICT BFRIEND, who also happened to be a DBag, but I digress. Anyway, the Seven Year Man was working a seasonal job with her boyfriend – it didn’t work out well and it sucked. Why did it suck? Because…well…at the time I didn’t realize he was a crack addict and I hooked my boyfriend up with the job.  So needless to say, it created a big riff between the two couples. It was Me/Seven Year Man vs. DBag and Crack Addict.

Either way, Seven Year Man abruptly quit this seasonal job, leaving the Crack Addict in a bit of a pinch.

When the Crack Addict started venting to one of his other employees about the Seven Year Man, this employee mentioned that she and the Seven Year Man spent a night together.

WHAT? Back the truck up.

Yup, you read it – they. spent. a. night. together.

I guess I should also mention that when DBag told me this story, the Seven Year Man and I were planning our Spring Break trip to visit my ‘rents in the Sunny South.

Long story short, I called him, yelled at him, called the girl (yup at work – it was one of my more shining moments in college when I didn’t take crap from people), yelled at her, and then he came down to the restaurant and then I let him yell at her. And then we reconciled. 

Here’s the skinny: he did spent a night with her, but apparently it was all “innocent” and they just hung out one night after work and he “must have told me but maybe forgot.”

All very mature <insert sarcasm>.

And then we went back to his dorm/apartment.  But I bet you can’t guess what happened next? Yup, the Seven Year Man BLAMED ME! Said to me he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t cheat.  

UMMMM – WHAT? You may not have cheated on me in the “technical” sense by sleeping with her. But you still spent a night with another girl – a younger girl from the U.K. – and CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO TELL YOU GIRLFRIEND. Who knows what actually happened?

Lovely, huh? 

I still took him back, still took him to the Sunny South, and continued to deal with our crappy relationship for several more years.

Read: I DIDN’T PUT MYSELF FIRST. I put him first, his feelings, his jobs, his emotions, his life. And I did it for years. I did what he wanted to do, went to his place whenever he wanted, saw the movies he wanted, and never once, put myself first.

Long story short – I still do it. I still put others first and me last. And it’s not fair. My word is my bond and unfortunately, people don’t always feel the same way. People don’t always honor their word and definitely don’t follow through with what they promise.  And well, I’m quite sick of it.

I’m taking a stand.

So lately, more often than not, I started putting ME first and doing what I want, when I want, and not apologizing. If it interferes or upsets others, I can’t help it.  Most people haven’t cared how their actions/inactions have affected me. So why should I care about their feeling?

Sometimes, I need to focus on me. As selfish as that sounds. Sometimes, I need to put me first.