It’s All About Self-Preservation, Man

2 Nov

In the last month or so, I’ve gone out on several dates with several men. All turned out to be unsuccessful and totally not fruitful whatsoever. And as I looked back on the last month, I questioned whether I was being too picky, had too many high hopes for the men I went out with – and I turned to a new friend who is in a similar situation (or was – I think her BF is totally cute. And yes, she met him online too.) 🙂

As I chatted with her about the latest guy, I asked her: “Am I being too picky? Do you think I should go out with him again?” Her answer to me made a ton of sense.  It was kinda simple if you think about it.

She said no.

She then elaborated by saying, you should feel excited to go out with a guy, you should want to call him back and if you question it, don’t do him the disservice by going out with him because you feel obligated to give him a second “chance.” It’s all about self-preservation. If you go out with a ton of guys, you’ll burn out and you need to do what makes you happy. Because when they right guy comes along, you’ll want to call him, you’ll want to see him, and you’ll be excited.

She makes a ton of sense.

I think her advice carries through to the rest of my world as well. If you think about it – it is all about self-preservation and doing things (or not doing things) to make you happy. In case some of you haven’t noticed, I have been pulling back. A lot. And there are reasons why. It’s hard to express here or IRL why I have been in self-preservation mode for several months now. BFF is aware, as are a few people in my little life circle.

But if you are curious why I have been pulling back, all you gotta do is ask. Because right now, for me, it’s all about self-preservation.

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10 Responses to “It’s All About Self-Preservation, Man”

  1. IntrigueMe November 2, 2010 at 11:40 am #

    I think your friend is totally right. Even if he’s the perfect man on paper, you should be excited to see him (or think about him!) and if you’re not then you just risk getting yourself into an unsatisfying relationship (because often we women justify dating someone we don’t have feelings for because there’s no *good* reason to dump them). I’ve definitely done that before!

    That is why I really wish I never went out with TYFNTMIB, though he did make for great blog fodder, I knew before I even met him that I didn’t like him… and it’s why I am really excited for my date tomorrow, because seriously just reading your post about dating reminded me of him and my pulse is going about a mile a minute right now… Whoa nerves, crikey!

    • TisWID November 2, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

      Please, please keep us posted on tomorrow’s date. I am BEYOND excited for you! Yay!
      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

      • IntrigueMe November 2, 2010 at 2:05 pm #

        I will, I promise!

  2. Meg November 2, 2010 at 11:42 am #

    Ever hear of the theory of Return of Saturn? It is the about the time it takes for Saturn to make an orbit (roughly 29.5 years) and when it comes around, major milestones/changes et al occur. For us, that is 29-32. Know of anything crazy or huge changes or shifts in life that have happened during that time, eh? 🙂
    It is kind of comforting to know that we are not nuts!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

    • TisWID November 2, 2010 at 1:37 pm #

      Dammit. I hate it when you make a solid point!! 🙂

      Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

      • Meg November 2, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

        Haha! just know that you are not alone in feeling unsettled, needing to change, or looking for something better. It’s a natural occurance – just run with it.

  3. Newlyweds on a Budget November 2, 2010 at 3:31 pm #

    well, we all have different opinions, and i’m going to disagree with your friend. and i guess it’s just mostly from MY experience. because there have been guys that i have been incredibly excited about and totally fawning over, and they end up being such players, and i feel like i just wasted time even though I was totally into them (and they weren’t into me!) and then there have been guys that i’ve dated because they were “nice” and i did give them a chance…but then there’s the guy who i totally would NOT have dated and he ended up being my husband. so i dunno…i think you can’t just write someone off immediately after the first date, unless they’re absolutely horrible or a dealbreaker. sometimes it takes a while to build a spark.

  4. itneverrainsinseattle November 2, 2010 at 6:01 pm #

    Keeping in mind what “NOAB” said (doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, there, does it, Erika?), while you may or may not give “good guys” a second date (or more) just in case, when it comes to starting up a bona fide relationship… if you’ve learned nothing else from my own story, learn this:

    DON’T SETTLE!

    And, don’t be settled for, either.

    Just sayin’.

    That said, this end of I-90 is really nice this time of year.

  5. Miss OverThinker November 3, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    Completely agree with what your new friend said.. about keeping our energy about us for the right guy and not wasting it on pointless dates that will go nowhere..

  6. The "friend" November 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm #

    Hi all. I’m “the friend” — and I’m really impressed with my own advice! It looks so good on this blog. hahaha 🙂 Okay, but seriously, to NOAB – I totally see what you’re saying. You should give people a chance and not write people off immediately. But personally, I feel like there needs to be some minimum level on interest/spark… something like – I laughed, he was funny, or I enjoyed his company -that’s something to go on. But I’ve been on so many first dates where I actually force myself to go on a second date because I feel like, well he was “nice” and I shouldn’t be picky… (insert psycho babble here about how I’m getting older and he’s “eligible” and isn’t unemployed and seems to have basic training manners, and shouldn’t I just be grateful for that?).

    And I feel like — if you’ve been online dating for any length of time, you just have to stop going on those “nice” second dates because they are demoralizing and actually have the opposite effect of making you feel like crap and totally undesirable, precisely because they are so forgettable. I think it’s important not to waste your own time… and date people that you at minimum want to put on make up for and think, I hope he thinks I’m cute.

    Thoughts? Love the blog “THIS IS WHY I DATE” friend 🙂

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