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Taking My Power Back

10 Feb

The past year has been a hectic ride. I took most of 2014 to be single and do what was best for me.  I dated, I had a couple of flings. But nothing too serious.

When we got closer to the end of the year, I realized I wanted to change my ways. I realized I did want a partner. I wanted someone to share my weekends with, my dinners with, and be that partner that they need as well. I thought I found that with the personal trainer. My god, was he hot.  Amazing body, incredibly cerebral, but totally did not have his act together. Which was a shame. We had good conversations and when I needed someone, he was by my side.

Until he wasn’t.  He disappeared quite frequently. He had baggage – his old life, his crazy ex-girlfriends, his daughter from a previous relationship. He said he had ambition to go back to school, but never pursued it. He said he wanted to do more with his personal training business, but didn’t do anything to move it forward. When things got insane in his life, he disappeared. And that was all within the first few weeks of us dating.

Finally it hit me, he wasn’t ready. He was pushing me away. The first time he did, I understood. Said let’s take a step back and re-evaluate where we are and be friends. That worked for about a week. Then I traveled, but kept in touch. Then when I was back, he pushed me away again. That was it, I was done. And I told him so. Well, I texted him so – that was his MO.  He wouldn’t talk, only text. That should have been a dead give away.

So I took a few days and then went back online and found the recruiter.  Solid, normal, guy. Had his act together. Wanted to see me, made plans in advance, held the car door for me, helped me in the snow.  All around awesome guy.  Now a few weeks in, he has done the vanishing act. And I’m sad. Very sad and very mopey.  Doesn’t help that we’re all cooped up here in one of the worst winters we’ve ever had…I mean, in years, decades. It’s bad. He was supposed to spend the weekend with me and left after one night. It made me wonder what I did wrong. I talked with my friends, tried to focus on work and the house, etc. Then my friend sent me this video and I decided to give him his space.

What kills me is that I’ve opened up to him and told him my fears of men acting distant and vanishing. And what did he do? Not even a day later? The vanishing act. So this is me, writing, and taking my power back.

I’m not sure who is still reading this blog or if you’ll even care. But I needed to write this post for me. I’m hoping he comes back and wants to talk. But after a lot of soul searching, I’ve realized I’ve done nothing wrong and he needs to figure his shit out. And if he wants me, we’ll have a talk about our values and what we each want (again.)

Wish me luck because even though The Recruiter has done the vanishing act, he really is a good guy. And I like him and I’m hoping we can pursue something larger. But if not, then I’ve learned something from this nonsense and will move on soon.

What I Want

2 Jun

OK, so recently I’ve talked about the positive aspects of girls weekends and the power of affirmations.  One of my greatest friends (yes, she is part of Girls Weekend) recently reminded me that in order to take the power back in finding my soulmate, I need to write everything down that I want/don’t want in my perfect love. I’ve done it before, so I figured, I need to re-visit/re-write this list. Again, what better place than here to put it out to the world.  So here goes:

What I Want/Deserve/Need:

  1. Someone I’m attracted to – Surfer Dude was perfection! We were attracted to each other on so many levels. It actually started off on an intellectual level (which I think was the best way), then evolved into emotional and physical levels.
  2. Someone who is caring – believes in volunteering and doing good in this world.
  3. Someone who wants to travel, try new restaurants, taking cooking class or golf lessons with me.
  4. Someone who believes in his job. He doesn’t need to make a six-figure salary, but he needs to be able to take care of himself monetarily and enjoy his work (i.e. don’t hate your job. We all have days, but hating your job and complaining about it on a regular basis – no, thank you. No bueno.)
  5. Someone who likes his family and spends time with them.
  6. Someone who has a close circle of friends. Who wants to bring me into that world and vice versa. I.e. I want him to accept my friends and want to become part of my world.
  7. No drama please. Surfer Dude was awesome and amazing in SO MANY WAYS, but he brought the drama. It was toxic. It was hurtful. It was totally unnecessary.
  8. Someone who can just chill – whether it’s laying in bed on a lazy Sunday or sit out on the back deck enjoying a sunset with a glass of wine in hand.
  9. Someone who accepts my somewhat crazy lifestyle.  I am emotionally close with my family, but not physically. It takes planes, trains, and automobiles to see them. I travel for work – and this is just a fact in my world.  But I’d want someone who would like to come with me when/if it is possible/appropriate.
  10. He has to like Ms. Bella.  Well he doesn’t have to love her like I do, but he has to accept we’re a package deal.
  11. He has to appreciate the finer things in life – and appreciate the fact I do as well. But still loves me on down days when I’m in workout gear cleaning the house and running errands.
  12. Someone who isn’t lazy – i.e. can clean up the house/after himself.  Being quiet and lazy is fun sometimes (see point 8), but it cannot be a lifestyle.
  13. Dress nicely – yes, superficial, but it’s needed sometimes in this world. At least I have a couple of suits to wear to weddings and shoes that aren’t just sneakers.
  14. Oh, and if he can cook, that’s a major plus.
  15. Romantic – even if it’s something like holding my hand in my public, giving me little kisses before bed, or something extravagant. I need romance (don’t most women!)
  16. Love me for me.  No one is perfect, but I need someone who can accept me for me.  Warts and all. But also looks for and expects the best out of me.

I’m sure there is more…I just need to think about it. But this is a good and important start! Now UNIVERSE, BRING HIM TO ME!

 

XO,

TiWID

My Psychic’s Advice

28 May

Yes, yes – I go to a psychic. He is amazing, he is wonderful.  He actually knows more about my past than I care to admit. And I’ve been going to him on a pretty regular basis for several years.  He knows I want to find the love of my life – and he has been pretty consistent about my future.  Basically he has said the following:

  • I will be in a relationship/married well within five years (phew)
  • I am open to being married (well, yes, yes I am)
  • I may come into a family already (OK, well being in my mid-30s, I need to be open to this concept.)

But a few other things he told me recently are the following:

  • I need to try new things to meet men (ok, duh!)
  • I need to ask my mother to intervene and bring him to me (OK, mom, I know we’ve discussed this before MANY times, but I am writing out here – PLEASE INTERVENE. I’d like to meet the man of my dreams/who I will marry before my next birthday. Yes, this is an aggressive timeline, but I deserve it!)
  • I need to make space for him – which I did recently. I cleaned out my closet and dressers – there is no ample space for my love to place his items here in our home.
  • I need to put affirmations out there.  If you know me, I am a firm believer in the power of positive thoughts and affirmations. Basically since I started following The Secret and the teachers of these concepts

So what better place to put out my affirmations, than this blog! So here goes:

  • I focus on all the good life has to offer. Thank you.
  • I am worthy of love. Thank you.
  • The love of my life is just around the corner. He will be here within the next two months. Thank you.
  • I am blessed with amazing family and friends. MANY MANY thank yous.
  • I am happy and lucky to have the life I live. Thank you.
  • I am loved by all those around me. Thank you.
  • I am at peace with my life and my choices. Thank you.
  • I am happy and healthy. Thank you.
  • I take time to laugh every day – even if I’m laughing at myself. Thank you.
  • I am grateful for all in my life (especially Ms. Bella.) Thank you.
  • I will have a ball and lifetime of love and abundance with my one true love. Thank you.
  • I am blessed. I am grateful. I am all things good in this world. Thank you.

Why Girls Weekends are Important

26 May

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I decided to start my blog up again.  I know I’ve talked about it and I’ve been reflecting a lot on why I used to love writing so much. I write for a living – not in a traditional sense, but I work in the communications field, so I’m constantly writing and editing something. This blog provided me an outlet and a new way to hone my skills. Am I best the writer? Nope. But does this help me express myself? Absolutely.  Do I hope to turn this blog into something bigger? HELL YA! I’m just doing my research.

But I was thinking recently about two things:

  1. There is a song that can fit ANY situation – work, relationships, whatever…
  2. Girls time is SUPER important.

Last weekend, I went on my annual girls trip to the island with three of my friends for Wine Fest.  It’s our fourth year going together and every year, we have a ball. 😉  We drink, we eat, we shop, we just get really silly.  Basically, we put our cares away and always comment how “re-entry” back to the city and real life is tough.  I feel that it’s important we spend this time together since it allows us to just forget about some of our cares and just have a good time together. No muss, no stress, just some time away.  And a lot of laughs. And maybe one of us stumbles along the way. Hey, it happens.

8212441-two-wine-glasses-in-toasting-with-splash

And every year, I see my bartender.

Yes, my bartender.  He is my safe haven from the rest of the world.  We expect just to have fun – and cause a lot of trouble – together. He is part of the reason why re-entry is so tough. Do I expect more than just time together on the island? Nope. We’re on the same page when it comes to that aspect.

So I was thrown for a loop when we’ve texted a little since coming back. Again, it’s been minimal and I don’t expect much beyond a few texts, but it was nice to be wanted and thought of again.

I believe part of the reason why I’m attractive to him is because of my girls. Because when I go there, I am happy, I am having a blast, and I am my best self.  Happiness just exudes from me because of our friendship.  I truly believe that impacts how he sees me.

So why are girls weekends important? You can be yourself with them. You can laugh and be silly. You can be your best self. And that is super attractive.

 

 

 

Does the Three Day Rule Still Exist in Your 30s?

17 Apr

A few nights ago I went out on a date. And for the first time, I really liked the guy after the first date. I mean, I actually texted him once I got home to tell him how much I enjoyed the date. In my book that means I really had fun. He texted, said he wanted to see me again soon, but never set a date. So me being me, started to worry….

The next day, I didn’t hear from him, so I posted the following on Facebook: “Does the three day rule still exist in our 30s?” I had a feeling this would elicit a myriad of responses and it did! I captured them in three buckets: Helpful, Touching, and Comical. I also redacted details and contact information. Basically the consensus is the same –if a person wants to see you, he (or she) will make the effort. And no, the three day rule should not apply. What are your thoughts? Anything my friends missed?

Helpful

  • No rules anymore I’m afraid. However, the good thing is you can call. Bold.
  • Good things come to those who wait; things worthwhile are worth waiting for; if it’s meant to be it will happen…insert any other cliches here!!
  • I met BOY and left 2 days later for vacation for a week. Told him I would call him when I got back – so we didn’t speak until I came home. And I did call him when I got back. AND he cancelled our first real date because he was sick. I have never been happier. Wait or call him. Do what makes you happy and what you want someone to do for you. Loves. Xoxo (Oh should specify – after the 1st cancelled date we went out the following day and were/are inseparable.)
  • Every situation and person is different… I have total faith whatever happens is what is meant to happen.
  • I think if you want to talk to someone, you call them. If someone wants to talk to you, they call you. Simple. Try to relax and not overthink it. “Rules” are silly.What’s all this about phone calls? It’s all about the more personal methods like text, email, or FB these days… (Joking…)
  • No 3-day rule no call, you are still a child. Next!!!! Move on, you deserve much better. If you haven’t called I am wondering why it’s on him to make the call. Just curious.
  • Some days life gets busy and calls get forgotten, or it gets too late in the night, or you’re unsure if they want you to call, etc., etc. so in the end whoever wants to make the call should just make the call and see what happens, for all you know he’s waiting on you to call and wondering the exact same thing.

Touching

  • Based on the fact that I’ve been with the same girl for 20 years means I am completely out of touch and have no game. That said what’s changed since the mid 90’s? Nothing right?
  • I met this girl a long time ago. We hit it off immediately and hung out the entire night. At the end of the night I asked for her number. She said, no, let me get yours. At that point I thought I’d never hear from her again. She called the very next day and we went out on our first date that evening! We were inseparable from then on, and are still together, happily married to this day!
  • In my situation there were ZERO phone calls- we met and the next day he knocked on my door. It will be 16 years next month. It should be easy, effortless almost. That mutual feeling of just wanting to be with each other as much as possible.

Comical

  • Guys will always be guys. 3 day rule always applies. Have to keep em guessing!!
  • What’s the 3 day rule?
  • I was not single in my 30s but I would probably check in to make sure the girl got home alright the next morning. Or I would take her out to breakfast and talk about our future together.
  • Sorry – the 3 day rule exists at every age (I agree it’s dumb!). And HE should call YOU first… or at least call you back. lol!!
  • No, it does not. By the time we are in our 30s, a man is usually mature enough to avoid stupid games.

Interesting comments, right? My friends are actually incredibly intelligent and awesome. And the best, they come from all different walks of life!

OH – you may be wondering if he contacted me. We have our second date on Saturday – dinner and a comedy show. And he didn’t wait the full three days to contact me or ask me out. J Maybe he doesn’t know about the three-day rule himself… Hmmmm…
Stay tuned!

Is It Always Back & White – Part 2?

2 Nov

OK, so a lot has happened in the past week since I wrote my last post.  We texted and talked and he apologized for a jerky move. He had no excuse other than that he got caught up with his trip, which I understand. More than understand; I said I just wish he told me he couldn’t meet anymore.  He agreed.  But was happy I wasn’t  mad.  We’ve gone back and forth a lot since then. Including trying to schedule last minute drinks before he had to fly out, but the dating Gods were against us and he ended up flying out a day sooner b/c of a freak Nor’easter. BFF believes that this is someone’s way of intervening.  I have to agree. She is a smart cookie.

So as this unfolds, I am no longer going to overanalyze the situation. I am not going to try and force fit anything. I am just going to let it be. We talked about getting together once he’s settled into his new place in a few weeks. I told him I would take him on a tour of Beantown and that he would have to plan the evening after that. To which he said, he’s looking forward to making it a fun date night.

Let’s hope this time he makes good on that promise.

Is It Always Black & White?

27 Oct

Or are there shades of gray when dating?

OK, friends, I have a little story to share. One I’m not happy about and one I’m working through. About a month ago, I met someone online. He’s not from here, but is moving here for his job and will be in the same city as me in less than a month. For the past three or four weeks, we’ve emailed, we’ve talked, we texted. We got to know one another pretty damn well. And when he found out when he was coming up here to apartment-hunt, he made it known he wanted to see me.  Take me out, have dinner and drinks.

Well, that week is this week. As of this weekend, we had planned to meet on Wednesday night (last night) – place TBD once he figured out his hotel situation.  Calm down – it was so we could pick a spot close to his hotel so he could get there easily by public transport. Last time we spoke was way into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  And then we texted later that afternoon.

That was when I last heard from him.We didn’t argue, we didn’t have a disagreement – it was just the last time I heard from him. His flight was due in two nights ago and I texted him welcoming him here.  No response.

My heart sunk. And I cried myself to sleep, with Bella beside me. And I prayed that if I didn’t hear from him, that I’d gain strength to move on, quickly. May sound dramatic when you think I  never met the guy in person. But we clicked and for some reason I felt a great connection/pull towards him.  And he did too – he verbalized it more than me.

I woke up that next morning – hopeful I missed a text or a call in the middle of the night. And when I didn’t, when I realized he didn’t even have the decency to text back a simple “thanks”, I realized I never would hear from him again.

My friends, although they think I am right to move on, think I should still be hopeful. One said its not black and white. If I do hear from him, I should meet up with him and see where it goes.  Maybe he is overwhelmed with the move (I would be), maybe he met someone else, but in the end, he owes nothing to me.  At most, maybe some courtesy to tell me after these weeks of him saying how much he wanted to see me, that he no longer did. But that is still a gray area. Maybe I will hear from him while he’s in town later this week. Maybe I’ll hear from him again when he moves here permanently.  Like my friend said, its not black and white.

As I look out at the grayness outside my window, I realize she’s right. There is no black and white with dating – there are all shades of gray. Who knows what happened? What he got involved in this week? Maybe he got spooked? Maybe he found someone else? Unless I talk with him, I’ll never know.

And while my peeps think that there is hope and I’ll hear from him soon, I have to trust my gut even when it hurts and realize, sometimes these questions may be left unanswered and will forever lie around in several shades of gray.