Tag Archives: Being me

Taking My Power Back

10 Feb

The past year has been a hectic ride. I took most of 2014 to be single and do what was best for me.  I dated, I had a couple of flings. But nothing too serious.

When we got closer to the end of the year, I realized I wanted to change my ways. I realized I did want a partner. I wanted someone to share my weekends with, my dinners with, and be that partner that they need as well. I thought I found that with the personal trainer. My god, was he hot.  Amazing body, incredibly cerebral, but totally did not have his act together. Which was a shame. We had good conversations and when I needed someone, he was by my side.

Until he wasn’t.  He disappeared quite frequently. He had baggage – his old life, his crazy ex-girlfriends, his daughter from a previous relationship. He said he had ambition to go back to school, but never pursued it. He said he wanted to do more with his personal training business, but didn’t do anything to move it forward. When things got insane in his life, he disappeared. And that was all within the first few weeks of us dating.

Finally it hit me, he wasn’t ready. He was pushing me away. The first time he did, I understood. Said let’s take a step back and re-evaluate where we are and be friends. That worked for about a week. Then I traveled, but kept in touch. Then when I was back, he pushed me away again. That was it, I was done. And I told him so. Well, I texted him so – that was his MO.  He wouldn’t talk, only text. That should have been a dead give away.

So I took a few days and then went back online and found the recruiter.  Solid, normal, guy. Had his act together. Wanted to see me, made plans in advance, held the car door for me, helped me in the snow.  All around awesome guy.  Now a few weeks in, he has done the vanishing act. And I’m sad. Very sad and very mopey.  Doesn’t help that we’re all cooped up here in one of the worst winters we’ve ever had…I mean, in years, decades. It’s bad. He was supposed to spend the weekend with me and left after one night. It made me wonder what I did wrong. I talked with my friends, tried to focus on work and the house, etc. Then my friend sent me this video and I decided to give him his space.

What kills me is that I’ve opened up to him and told him my fears of men acting distant and vanishing. And what did he do? Not even a day later? The vanishing act. So this is me, writing, and taking my power back.

I’m not sure who is still reading this blog or if you’ll even care. But I needed to write this post for me. I’m hoping he comes back and wants to talk. But after a lot of soul searching, I’ve realized I’ve done nothing wrong and he needs to figure his shit out. And if he wants me, we’ll have a talk about our values and what we each want (again.)

Wish me luck because even though The Recruiter has done the vanishing act, he really is a good guy. And I like him and I’m hoping we can pursue something larger. But if not, then I’ve learned something from this nonsense and will move on soon.

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Just Call Me “Ms. Goodwrench”

11 Apr

So, recently I’ve been called out for not blogging. At all. I know, I suck.  This used to be my oasis, the place I would run to when I needed to vent or have some sort of outlet. And it still is. But life has been…well, basically I can only describe it as “I can’t even keep up with my life.”

Work has been crazy, busy – in a good way. I started doing more work on the side for a group I volunteer with – loving it. And I’m planning for the summer – both trips I’m taking and figuring out schedules for when others are visiting me.

Fun times. But it doesn’t leave a lot for blogging.

And it’s not like I don’t have topics to write about. Daily, I’m involved in conversations or witness situations that are totally blog-worthy, so I’m trying to figure out what to discuss. Especially since my current love life is…well…lacking. But it is, what it is. And to be honest, I’m still comfortable with  where I am in my life.

Here’s where it gets tricky. While I still want someone else to do the driving, I’m realizing there are some good things to being single.  You can do what you want, when you want (well sorta, work dictates a lot during the week); I can hang out with my friends when I want; can call my fam when I want; pick up my cheesy Sweet Valley High Confidential book (yes, judge, its OK); or just chill whenever I want.

So that’s all the good.  BUT here’s where it gets tricky. YOU  HAVE TO DO IT ALL.  I mean, take today for instance. I drove to the next state south of me to go to a friend’s son’s bday party. Tons and tons and tons of kiddos all around me.  A little overwhelming for this single gal who is an only child. And as much fun as I had and even more fun being the only person who went back to the house to watch him open up all of his gifts, I couldn’t get one nagging thought out of my head: I have to fix the lock on my door.  Can I do it? Will I need to consult my fix-it book? Will I need to call a locksmith?

Well, just call me “Ms. Goodwrench.” Because while being single has its ups and downs – one thing is for sure. You have to learn to do things on your own. You  have to learn to fix things on your own. You have to figure it out. And I did. My lock is fixed. Thankyouverymuch. Why? B/c I had to and I had no one else to turn to. So I did. And when I find “Mr. Right” – I can tell him, no, I got it. I can fix the door.  Or whatever else you throw my way.

And really, I think being able to say that is a very good thing!